Caught In Limbo
by Bunnylass
Summary: Songfic. Sequel to Starcrossed. Suze drifts through the half-life Jesse sent her back to, from the shadowland. A limbo she can't, or wants, to escape from...


_**Disclaimer:**_ The Mediator isn't mine. Neither is the song.

_**Rating: **_T

_**Summary: **_Songfic. Sequel to _Starcrossed_. Suze drifts through the half-life Jesse sent her back to. A limbo she can't escape.

_**A/N: **_I know I shouldn't be writing another story. Let alone a songfic. But this song has special meaning to me. And it seemed the most appropriate for an idea I just couldn't shake off. I hope you enjoy **:) **

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_**Caught In Limbo...**_

Letting my feet drag me up the gravelled driveway of the house I live in, I tense my shoulders for what's coming. Knowing what I'm going to feel as I walk up those stairs and into that room. A room I wish I'd swapped with David when he asked me, now. Maybe then I wouldn't be faced with this each time. Having to live, sleep and dream in that room, that isn't my own anymore. That hasn't been mine since the day I went up there to get him. Since he told me he wasn't coming back with me. Showing me that the heartache I felt before that. When I thought he'd moved on without saying goodbye; is nothing compared to the true pain I'm in now.

Too many months have passed since then. Life's moved on with everyone and everything. While I'm stuck in limbo and watching them. No doubt where I'm always going to be, until that elusive, _one day_ he told me. Caught in a half-life and suffering, much like the situation he was in. And all the ghosts before him. One after the other, that I now have more in common with, then I ever thought possible.

And I'm so far gone, I can't even laugh at the irony of it all. I should of done. Considering my constant hate for my gift. But all it does is echo around my mind, and goes no further. And the tears it could turn into, dried up the moment he blinked out of sight in that nightmare land up there. Stopped and never came back. And no amount of hits I've taken since then, has made them come again.

But I scoff at the idea now of that promise now. Because one day just isn't soon enough for me.

_I find the map and draw a straight line  
Over rivers, farms, and state lines  
The distance from here to where you'd be  
It's only finger-lengths that I see_

_  
I touch the place where I'd find your face  
My fingers in creases of distant dark places_

Now all I can do, is pass each day, doing the meaningless task of living. Nothing seems right anymore. Taste is bland and dry on my tongue. There's no heat running through me anymore, just a deep chill. I can't see the light, and I can't see the dark. It just is. My family question what's wrong with me, over and over again. My mom's worried frown seems to be a constant now. I want to tell her she'll get wrinkles if she worries too much. But the I can't bring myself to care, or tell her. It would be a dry sarcasm, that seems to be my only defence and anchor these days.

My friends look at me like I'm a stranger. Some person that's just dropped in out of no-where and invaded their close protection of nothing harming their perfect little world. So naive and cautious of what it really holds. I _almost_ laugh, at the thought of them ever knowing the truth. But just like everything else, it's tiresome and dull. And having Paul Slater move to my town and school, has passed right along over my head. And I know he's getting frustrated and impatient with me. Trying everything he can to get a rise or a reaction from me. But he's not worth the effort or the time.

There's only one person who was. And he left me.

_I hang my coat up in the first bar  
There is no peace that I've found so far  
The laughter penetrates my silence  
As drunken men find flaws in science_

Sliding through my front door, I'm met with smiling faces from my family. All fake bravado, in the hopes that I might actually smile back. Or at least, try and give them a real one. But instead, all I do is wave them off and head straight for the stairs. My heavy boot clad feet thumping up each step. It looks more like a mountain I'm trying to climb. With no end at the top. Kind of like my life right now. Because as much as I know I should try, I just can't seem to muster that fear and concern for the state of my mind. And why should I? I always knew my life was going to turn out to be a disaster anyway. He just helped me realize a little sooner, that's all.

Closing my bedroom door behind me, I don't bother to clap on the light. Letting the bright shine of the moon filter through my open window instead. Beaming across me as I shrugged out of leather jacket and boots. Falling down of my bed and turning towards the window. Resolutely avoiding that one spot, I can't bare to sit in or look at. Spike doesn't live here anymore either. Just like him, he's gone and deserted me too.

But I really think I hate him. That I'll never forgive him. For everything he did and has done. For all he made me feel and think. And for giving me hope and dreams, just to end up taking them away and leaving me with _nothing_. The one person to finally let me feel what love and happiness is. Only to rip it all away, just when I actually began to think there might just be a chance for me to have what I've never had. And I think I detest him for that.

It's just a shame I don't hate him as much as I do myself.

_Their words mostly noises  
Ghosts with just voices  
Your words in my memory  
Are like music to me_

The slight breeze coming through my window makes the flimsy curtains billow softly into my room. The light touch and fresh feel tickles across my cheek where I lay on my bed. A while ago, I would of thought it was a sign from him. A call that's supposed to make me go and find him. But I gave up on that thought, the same time I gave myself to the inevitable. Facing the reality of my so called life, and throwing myself into it. Dutifully ignoring the little voice in the back of my mind, telling me I'll never find him out there. No matter how much I search and silently weep to find him in this lifetime.

Since I woke up that first morning and day without him here, I knew what I needed to do. I was given this _gift_, that I've always trashed and complained about. Trying to avoid it as much as possible, because it's put such a dent in my life. But with nothing to look forward to, and nothing waiting for me; I decided to embrace and use it. It's what I get up in the morning to do. It's what allows me to get through the family dinners and the meetings with Father D. And I both hate and enjoy it.

It gave me the reason for the pain I can't run, or escape from. And it gave me a glimpse of what it _could_ of been like. So now I just do what's asked of me, without complaint and without reason. It's what he always wanted anyway. For me to take it seriously and not discard it as much as I tried. Bringing along with it, more irony I can't smile or laugh at. He didn't come back, because he wanted me to have a normal and fulfilled life.

But there's no life for me, without him in it. And there wasn't the day I stepped into my new home and found him waiting for me on that seat.

_I'm miles from where you are  
I lay down on the cold ground  
I, I pray that something picks me up  
And sets me down in your warm arms_

Sometimes I wonder where the girl I was went. The one who used to be able to laugh and enjoy the free time I rarely got, before duty called. The one who used to watch the sunset with her new friends, sitting on the beach and breathing in the new opportunities. And after all that's happened, I wonder why she hasn't unearthed herself yet. If she ever will. It's supposed to get easier I thought. Grief. The loss of a loved one. Time's supposed to be a great healer and everything. And sometimes I ask why it wasn't working for me.

But I've always known the answer. It's because I don't want it to.

I used to hate the cryptic messages he would come out with. The double riddles that left my head spinning with their meaning. And right now, laying here and watching the moonlight shine in my room; it's all I can seem to get in my mind. Reminding me that the plus to this lifeless living, is the easiness of it. The simple act of getting up, doing the same routine over and over again. Fulfilling my destiny and duty. And going to bed, to live another life of dreams and nightmares. No emotions to weight me down. No attachments I had to take into account anymore. Just simply nothing.

And I know they all think I'm depressed. Whispering that I'm having one of those breakdowns, that's finally come along from, 'so much happening in my young life.' My dad's death, my unfortunate rebellious years and troubles at school. Moving across country and to a new family. And the summer break, had finally been what tipped me over the edge. What made it all catch up to me at last. If only it was that easy to understand and deal with.

Maybe one day I'll tell them, that's it what comes with having your heart and soul torn in half. Maybe.

_After I have travelled so far  
We'd set the fire to the third bar  
We'd share each other like an island  
Until exhausted, close our eyelids  
_

_And dreaming, pick up from  
The last place we left off  
__Your soft skin is weeping  
A joy you can't keep in_

_  
_

The only people who really know that that's the reason; are Father Dom and my dad. Father D just keeps trying to heal and talk to me. Trying to break through my so called defences I've put up to everyone. Obviously seeing something I'm not. There's no barriers this time. How can you put them up, when you've had the worse kind of pain and hurt thrust on you. It's pointless to imagine, let alone do.

But I let him try and get through to me anyway. Both hoping he might actually succeed. Even though deep down, we know it's not likely to happen. And being the good man of the cloth, that he is; he tries anyway. Never giving up on me, no matter how unresponsive and distant I seem sometimes.

Only my dad is another story. It's been a while since I last saw him. He doesn't come visit so much anymore. And he can barely look at me when he does. I know it's because he's feeling his own kind of pain from seeing me like this. That parental need, to protect and help. To take the pain away, so I don't have to suffer with it. And it breaks his heart a little more each time. Made that much worse, because emotions - or lack thereof - never were his strong point. But he sticks by my side whenever he can. Staying for mere minutes as we exchange pleasantries that are stale and thin.

I know he's only doing it because he's hoping there's going to be a change eventually. That that visit might be the one. Where I'll snap out of it and get on with the life, the one who left me sacrificed to give me. But again, we know it's not a faze I'm going through. He can only hope, _one day_ someone will come along and heal a small portion of me. Who'll see enough potential in me, to take the time and the effort to make me feel something again.

But I can't ever imagine that far off person ever making me feel the way he did.

_I'm miles from where you are  
I lay down on the cold ground  
And I, I pray that something picks me up  
And sets me down in your warm arms_

The fact of the matter is, I don't want anyone other than Jesse. I don't want to live, until it's going to be that life, where he'll be in it. In my dreams I see him. The way he looks at me with sadness and empathy. Spoken in the way his hand barely touches my cheek. But he never walks away from me in my dreams. He never wanders off, or leaves my side. Not until I'm pulled out of my sleep myself. He hardly says anything, but he doesn't need to. It's just enough for me to see him in vivid detail. Not much else around us, other than me and him.

It's a torture and a pleasure, I can't differentiate from. A dream and a nightmare I want to run from, but clutch in my mind even as I'm brought back to reality. A double edged sword, that gleams and winks in the sunlight. I'm given the hope of seeing and believing I can feel him. But wake to find it's all fake and the pain returns stronger and more potent then before. Fate playing more sick jokes on me, that I can't even grumble or get angry for. There's no use. Other than to just play along and try to hope, I'm getting closer to that promise and him each day.

And until then. Until that day, when I'll finally have that chance Jesse gave up for me to have; I'm caught in limbo. A half-life, Jesse had to live for a century and half. Letting me know how the other side feel at last. Giving me one last gift of understanding for him and all the rest.

_I'm miles from where you are  
I lay down on the cold ground  
And I, I pray that something picks me up  
And sets me down in your warm arms_

But one thing I know, is that I won't be returning until my hero comes to save me. Just one last time.

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**_A/N 2:_** Thanks for reading! Please review **:)** Peace!


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